Grief expresses in different ways for each of us

One way that grief expressed for me, after losing my dear Mum, was in not allowing myself to rest or to truly take care of myself. After two years really of caring for my Mum, holding space for her grief and pain, literally seeing her through to her final breath, sitting with her body while her soul passed out, frantically clearing her rented home of 39 years and an amount of hoarding that was beyond belief, before finally stepping very slowly and painfully back into my own life, with a great sense of instability and frankly some days of not really knowing who I was anymore, I realised that, physically, mentally and emotionally, I could barely sit in my temple space and allow myself to meditate.

I'm talking about a space I love and have connected with deeply over years...

I'm meaning a meditation practice I love and have connected with over years...

It was very strange and disconcerting. It was another great loss, and I was avoiding it.

While teaching meditation class, I could hold space for others and feel an ease and peace as I did that. I was a great giver. But I was not allowing myself the true peace and mental space that I also needed to heal and re-centre. I had to work hard on embracing being a receiver. This is vital for the Universe to be in balance. It just is.

When you're NOT meditating, you're still practicing

A big part of learning to meditate is noticing when you actually aren't meditating - including when you're sat in whatever beautiful-looking pose, purporting to meditate 😳🤣🙏✨️💖 Yeah, we've all been there!

"Nice Lotus pose, but where is your head at babe?"

"You've got all the fancy props, but your body is emanating dis-ease honey"

No judgement here though, it's just how it is and it's all part of the journey.

Over the past few months, as I learned to stabilise from within again, while facing a never-ending list of tasks and items to sort out, I did include lots of little meditative stops in my day, albeit brief ones. And, you know what, that was okay for where I was 🙏✨️💖 I am honouring that process and that's exactly how I teach (give) meditation, so now it was time to receive.

The first steps out of bereavement and trauma and back into life were wobbly, unsteady, unsure, a little afraid... I peeped over the parapet and then hid away again quite a few times. My coaching clients know well that I always say "baby steps!". Yes! Baby steps are good and right and proper when we are approaching or going through a transitional time in our lives, no matter what that is.

This week, after an enormous amount of inner shift - the tectonic plates have realigned and my world has flipped 90 degrees and then upside down - I'm patting myself on the back and giving myself a bloody big hug in recognition of my growth through the storms.

MEMO: Self Love. Self Love. Hugs to Self. Hugs to Self.

Importantly, for me, I'm reclaiming my meditation practice. I committed myself to sitting twice a day, without fail. I'm gifting myself the time and space to just be and to enter my inner space 🙏✨️💖 All the diamonds in the world are in there. Why avoid it?

There's a lovely story, from Buddha I seem to remember, forgive me if I got that wrong, about a thief who coveted a rich man's amazing wealth. Let me paraphrase and embroider it rather a bit here, because it's a really good story, however you tell it, and anyone who knows me, knows that I do love to tell a tale! 🙏✨️💖

A really good story...

Are you sitting comfortably? Breathing? Yes? Ok, once upon a time... a renowned master thief had been watching a notoriously rich local man verrrrryyyy (yes, very) closely. He just knew he'd the have opportunity one day to get himself some of that wealth, as long as he used his well-honed skills and studied the man's comings and goings. What would it matter if he helped himself to some of that wealth? The man was stinking rich anyway and he was a great thief! What a perfect chance to prove his prowess to himself too.

An amazing jewel had arrived in the local jeweller's shop and it was the talk of the town. Everyone debated its beauty and who might come to claim it. Then, one day, the thief saw the incredibly rich man leave his house and go to the jewellery seller. He knew it! The rich man was clearly going to buy the beautiful jewel that had been on show in the window. Everyone in town had been admiring this particular jewel and, of course, it would be that rich man who got it. "Life's soooo unfair", he thought to himself. "But I'm the best thief and I'm going to get that for myself and put things right around here!".

The thief carefully watched the transaction inside the shop, the seller wrapping the jewel and the rich man paying. Once the rich man left the shop with his precious, shiny item, the thief stealthily followed him. He stayed tantalisingly close to the rich man in the crowded street. Rather than rob him in public and risk being caught, he waited right until he could suddenly corner the rich man in an alleyway. No-one else was around, so he shouted and demanded that the rich man freeze, while he was going to take that stunning jewel he'd watched him buy. He was almost drooling at the thought of that jewel and how much it would be worth. The rich man was so relaxed as the thief approached and searched him. He just smiled serenely. This didn't make any sense at all, but the thief was desperate to find the jewel and dismissed the questions popping up in his mind. Afterall, this man was was so rich, why should he even care about losing this one jewel?

The thief searched all over and found nothing on the rich man, patting him up and down. "How is this possible?", he demanded. The rich man pointed slowly at the thief's pocket and explained, "I hid it in the one place you were least likely to look for it". The thief thought it was a trick to distract him, but as his hand reached into his very own pocket... there it was, the most beautiful, glistening, faceted diamond, sat in his hand.

Hah! Great story right? We search alllllllllll (yes, all) over the world for inner peace and calm, while our diamond sits, that whole time, right within ourselves 🙏✨️💖💎 Did he get to keep the diamond? No, of course not! He was so shocked, and in awe of the rich man's actions (and perhaps a little brain-dazzled into awareness), that he handed it back over and left the scene quickly, pondering what happened and how anyone could get around him like that. Did you enjoy the story? I know I did when I first heard a version of this 😊

Today, getting back to my meditation practice, I practiced Trataka, or gazing meditation. You can gaze at any number of things, but I used the classic candle as my focus. I was simultaneously surprised and not surprised how it took an awful lot of effort to focus on the flame today.

I rapidly became aware that my eyes were literally allllllll (yes all) over the place! My anxiety was palpable as I struggled to keep my eyes on the flame, let alone keep my eyes OPEN as the practice requires. And ... as I efforted, I remembered, that's ok! Struggle is a great teacher 🙏✨️💖💎

As I became more and more aware of the anxiety and the resistance, I also breathed deeper. My eyes were sore like there was sand and grit in them, but my tears wouldn't come (again, part of the practice to cleanse the body). I even pinned my eyes open a bit with my fingers to stop my eyes flickering and rolling all over the place. Goodness me.

But it was actually worth the struggle. After my end of meditation timer went off, I was determined to keep going until I could settle. As my awareness saw how troubled I was, 3 grief filled breaths automatically shot out of my mouth and my body performed Bhastrika (bellows) breathing by itself, without me even thinking of doing anything. Such a needed release. I softened and softened, and my eyes teared up at last and cleansed themselves. Finally, my eye movements started to relax and I felt a sense of calm and wholeness deep inside. Much like a gentle wave passing through the body from the centre, I was gazing. I was breathing deep and slow. My eyes were running with water and my nose too 🤣 It might look something like the Blair Witch Project (awful film but you get the image...), but who cares? Its was alllllll good and just how it should be in that moment 🙏✨️💖💎

The eyes are our most rapid muscle and always on high alert. So it made sense that mine could not settle. After loss, and life feeling unstable, why would they not be searching around for imminent danger? My body must also have been in this state. I've been working hard on personal trauma release for a few years, but some of the grittiest releases have been in the last 3 weeks. Oof. I could feel the remnants of all that work. I could also sense the softening and the realisation that, guess what, I don't need to work hard like that anymore! That, too, was one of my personal stories. Softening is also the space in which to manifest the life we feel into in each moment:

As of today, it's all coming with ease. I soften and I claim this! 🙏✨️💖💎

Have a blessed day. Happy Diwali. Blessed All Hallow's and Samhain. May the light in each of us shine out today and always. Let's soften into life. Let's relax into our lessons. Like a small child softens into a tumble whereas us adults tense up. Who comes out better?

May we soften and tumble with childlike awe into the things that life has to teach us about our Self and our inner diamond 🙏✨️💖💎